Things I didn't understand

I never understood why people who had children and would show up late somewhere would always excuse themselves by saying how hard it was to get out of the house.  Now I know...babies don't follow your schedule.  I can't even get a real shower most days let alone figure out a schedule.  I'm so stressed about getting Jack ready so I don't go insane when I go back to work.  I know...people have done this for hundreds of years...but it's new to me so shut up!  I can't believe how much energy it takes just to take care of one, tiny little person.  Not to mention the energy it takes just to love him and worry about him every second.  I never understood the responsiblity of being the person who is in charge of making this little guy a decent person, nevermind making the perfect life I wish for him.  Every moment he's awake I feel like time is already slipping away and that I can never show him or tell him or teach him enough.  I never understood how lonely it can be out here by myself, trying to show him that I love him more than anything, but not really knowing if he understands or at least feels it.  I feel guilty for wanting a few minutes to myself...so I'm up now, when the boys are sleeping...feeling crappy about myself.  I knew I was a perfectionist before...but I didn't understand how bad it could get.